I remember the embarrassing, everlasting tears I shed in the arms of someone who wasn’t shedding any over me. I remember the violent, incessant, drunken knocking on my apartment from my ex moments before he distributed my nudes and threatened to send them to my mother’s job.
I remember my best friend. The image of my best friend hanging in his bathroom doorway has been so cruelly, viciously, and savagely carved in my mind and it is a deep gash still splitting blood. We shared a life that he ended. His home was mine and I lost both.
I remember my first love. Unreturned.
I remember the intimidating flame and smoke rising as my father torched my ‘girly’ clothing. I remember the humiliating cold air as my mother suddenly burst in while I was showering to ask if I’d made yet another social media account that said that I was gay.
I remember the stares that I couldn’t differentiate—were they homophobic ones or racist ones? I remember the faces of people finding out that I like the same sex. I remember the whispers. I remember the shame. I remember the venomous tongue of the congregation. I remember the skin-melting hatred that blasted me with it’s life-ending rays straight from the pulpit.
I remember the pain. I still feel it. Often. I remember the self-hatred. I still feel it. Often. I remember the feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, mind-boggling anxiety, and mind-numbing, reality warping depression. I still feel them. Often.
Many times when I think about things like this, I almost feel forced to give it a happy ending. Corny things like “it gets better” and “it’s not permanent” work some days, but on other days they do not.
There are some days that I wake up and I literally have no idea how to go about my day. How do I get up out of bed and function like a normal human being with all of this anxiety and pain and bullshit that is with me? I just hate that we have developed into this society in which everyone pretends to have everything together.
I think the gay community must come to terms with the fact that because of this shitty (global) society, mostly all of us have some type of trauma. Normalizing talking about feelings and mental health will make interactions that much easier. We all have our defenses up because society has fucked us so hard in our childhood/young adulthood.
The community needs to heal and in order for that to happen, we must focus on healing ourselves and stop ignoring what we’ve been through.
This is a huge struggle for me because I like efficiency. If feelings are causing me to be less efficient then I just turn them off. This has ‘worked’ for some years but it’s festering up and I obviously need to find more healthy ways to deal with it, like seeing a therapist, or vocalizing my thoughts with friends or even….